Sunday, September 11, 2011

Rose-colored glasses

I don't usually write about things as they happen.  It takes me some time to water it down, remove the deep emotions-analyze the situation, find another way to make it work for next time, ignore the rough moments. I need some time to put on my rose colored glasses.

We went to the Central Park Zoo today.

I've been on vacation all week and have taken the family to a variety of places so that we can make memories with each other.

I have broken their routine.

"Okay guys, let's take the train.  Who's ready?"

"Choo Choo train?" Handsome asks.
"Come on, Mom.  Come on!  We go to the zoo and animals and the train.  We're going to have a great time.  I see animals and fishes.  Fishes,  ooooohhhh, I'm gonna have fun, Mom."  Bugabuga's mono tonal monologue begins.

We being walking down the block and the CEO jerks her hand away from me and takes off running.  My heart is my mouth.  I reach to grab her.  Oh God, please don't run into the street.  Please.  She's just out of reach; she moves so quickly.  She has no limitations physically but Bugabuga is holding my other hand and she cannot run.  She won't let go because she's listening to my request to hold hands.  I tear my hand away while lifting my leg to steady her  and extend my body to grab the CEO.  She's still moving and I take off.  I grab her hand.

"I don't like you Mommy."

"I know, but I love you anyway. Don't let go of my hand again."  Oh please, don't let this be a sign.  Please, let me have a good day with them.  I need this to be a good day-too many memories are chasing me today.  It has to be a good day.

We're on the train and the kids are in high spirits.  The CEO and Baby are hugging and laughing.  The CEO randomly starts crying.  The intensity is startling and people on the train are doing the polite look out of the corner of their eyes.

"You're okay.  You're okay.  Let's play a game.  I spy, with my eyes..."

"I don't like you MOMMY.  I want DADDY!  DADDY!  DADDY!"

"I know, but I love you anyway. Go sit with your father.  Switch out."  We always have two kids per parent.  That parent is responsible for them only.  We adjust our seating to work with the new responsibilities.  She smiles and cuddles against her dad.  The joy in her face is difficult for me to see.  She doesn't have a filter and I know that I'm inciting rage in her today.  My heart hurts and I want to cry but instead I smile and sing a song with Baby and Bugabuga.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!  I need mommy! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!"  A struggle breaks out on my husband's side of the train.  Handsome is refusing to stay in his seat.  I make eye contact with my husband, "You okay?"

"I've got it.  Sit down, Handsome!"

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

"You want Mommy, fine!  Switch out!"

The ride continues in the same vain for the duration of the ride.  I'm tired before we even enter the Zoo.  Please let it be a good day.

We step off the train holding hands and the CEO jerks away this time from my husband. Oh, fuck no.  We jump instantaneously my hands filled and I grip one hand while holding Bugabuga's hand at the same time while my husband grabs the other hand.  We stand huddled together.  Our breathing shallow and terrified.  We regain our composure and walk away.  The CEO is having a rough day today.  She'll be better once we get to the zoo.

We walk the three blocks and the kids are laughing and looking forward to the animals.  We walk in and they are so excited!  They are smiling and dancing.  Running from exhibit to exhibit, taking pictures and squealing in delight.  Bugabuga almost stepped on a worm and we all squatted down to watch the worm hurry away.

"Sorry worm.  Oops!  Sorry worm."

Their expressions were filled with curiosity.  It was relaxing.  We all started laughing and enjoying the day.  It will be a good day.

We visited a 4D movie featuring Dora and Diego.  Bubbles, snow and water were involved.  It was so much fun and they, of course, saved the rain forest.

We sat for lunch.  The kids could barely focus enough to eat.  We struggled to get them to eat.  It's always a struggle.  I felt so sad.  They were talking to each other but not following our lead.  They needed to eat.  I looked away and I wiped at my eyes.  I cannot cry in public.  I will not cry.  My eyes locked with a man sitting across the way and I saw the compassion.  I swallowed and wiped a lone tear and refocused my efforts.  They ate lunch.  The day was really shaping up to be stellar.

We feed the animals in the Children's Zoo.  Bugabuga was so upset that we could not feed the ducks.  "They hungry too!"

We cajoled and distracted.  We made it out of the park after only another meltdown from the CEO.  We walked around to different stores and left each store as the hyperactivity impeded our progress.  The kids were smiling and laughing.  It's a good day.

The CEO was showing fatigue.  It was time to go.  We couldn't find a cab willing to take us home.  Finally, a kind cab driver took us in even though the CEO was screaming and crying.  She cried for at least 20 minutes of the 40 minute ride.  My nerves were frayed.  I called my parents.

My family was standing outside ready to grab a kid as I passed them out of the car.  They had them calm  by the time I finished paying the driver.

My mother feed us dinner and I watched them equalize.  My shoulders relaxed and I saw how they happily explained their day.  They had a fantastic day.

I could write this in a few weeks with my rose-colored glasses on but I won't because ultimately it was a great day.

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