Autism is just an "also" not the "the" of our life. I want to share the endless hope that fills our life. There are good days and bad days but when you really break it down a small puzzle piece at a time, you'll see that the big picture is beautiful and full of laughter.
Friday, April 19, 2013
It's so amazing how music can soothe a soul. As I sit day after day, exhausted after walking around minimally, my soul is restless and looking for an outlet. I'm angry. I want to feel better. I'm sick of being sick. Almost every morning waking up and mentally readying my mind for the physical pain I am going to deal with because I can't take any painkillers that will interfere with some of the tests. Wanting so badly to be healthy again that I am willing to endure the pain rather than delay the tests. Holding on to my emotions with an iron fist. Determined to get well. Each night as the pain becomes unbearable, I turn on the music and sing along to music and try to lose myself. I listen to the lyrics... Ever worried that it might be ruinedAnd does it make you wanna cry?When you're out there doing what you're doingAre you just getting by?Tell me are you just getting by by by Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou gotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try and try and tryYou gotta get up and try and try and try (Try by Pink) The days are flying by yet crawling. I'm almost three weeks post-op and today was the first day that I cried. I'm tired, bored and completely unable to focus. I'm weak and scared that this is the new me.I want to be able to work. I miss the mental aerobics. I miss the purpose. I miss the strength. Every time I reach for a wall or rail to steady myself, I take a deep breathe to control the rage, sadness and fear that I feel. You gotta get up and try and try and try You gotta get up and try and try and try Try Try Try I'm trying.