It's like a Dream Come True

Today was a wonderful day.

"GUYS BE QUIET! Mommy is sleeping!"

"Shhh!" "On no! I woke her up!" "No wake up Momma!" "Mommy's sleeping?"

My eyes fluttered open but I knew that I wasn't supposed to be awake yet. They were trying so hard to let me sleep in so I closed me eyes again and drifted back to sleep.

I gave it another hour before I ventured out of the bedroom.

"GET BACK IN BED! We're not ready yet!"

I turned around and plopped back on the bed. A minute later, my family opened the bedroom door and rushed in carrying cards, waffles and flowers. I smiled and reached for the cards as my handsome little boy jumped up on the bed and knocked the waffles off the plate.

Everyone was impatient for me to look at their card. I ohhed and ahhed appreciatively. The kids were dressed for the day already. Their daddy had even brushed their hair and put them in ponytails. The Baby had a box for me. I opened the wrapping paper to find that her teachers had taken a picture of her and glued it to a box. She had made me a necklace that she decided that she NEEDED to wear. The CEO had a nice picture of us peeking out of a paper plate basket. The Bugabuga had a card colored for me. I was so touched.

We went to the Aquarium today. I knew that the Bugabuga would love it. Fish are her thing. I was concerned that it would be too much stimulation for them but I wanted to go out with them today. I wanted the world, or at least Coney Island, to see that I was the mother of 4 amazing kids.

Their eyes filled with wonder as hour after hour we looked at every display that was available. We sat and had lunch together. No fighting or screaming, just smiles and conversation. I was in my glory.

Bugabuga was smiling so much that she kept holding her cheeks so that her smile wouldn't slip. Her teachers and therapists have shown her that if she pushes her cheeks up she can form a smile so she did that continuously today. Her joy made me laugh from happiness.

There were screams and tense moments but I looked the other way today. I needed a nice outing without focusing on the rough transitions or overwhelming moments. It was overall a positive experience. The kids went to sleep with smiles and I feel tears well every few minutes as I think back on the day. They tried to write their names, they smiled, laughed and danced. They are amazing. I'm so lucky to be their mommy.

And not to be forgotten, my husband gave me concert tickets for Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. Be still my 80s-chick heart.

Out of the Blue

It's like a dream come true,

I never thought I'd fall in love with you.

Out of the Blue.

My version of Motherhood

We tried to have a baby for 10 years.

10 years.

I had so much time to perfect my mothering style. I was going to read the baby a story every night. Buy the most beautiful clothes and toys. I would make the baby food from scratch. I had waited 10 years, I knew what I was going to do.

The girls were born premature. Baby couldn't maintain her temperature and had to be checked every 15 minutes. I was a wreck. What if I fell asleep? Would she get cold and die? Anytime I felt slightly tired, I picked her up and held her against my body to keep her warm. I was afraid to put her down.

Three babies at the same time!

I wasn't prepared for triplets. I tried to be but they knocked my socks off. I ran back and forth. Bottle, diaper, burp. The house didn't smell like new baby smell. It smelled of shit and formula. They pooped so much! I was a failure!

As they got older, I began to work with them to hit their milestones. Things didn't seem to be going well but I kept trying.

And then the diagnosis of Autism entered our house. Instead of sitting behind my child giving a hug, I sat behind my child to mold my body against hers so that she could sit and participate in therapy. Reading bedtime stories flew by the waste side. Instead, I stared into their little eyes for a half hour at a time so that eye contact was expected and maintained.

I often imagined rocking my baby to sleep. Instead, I held my baby so that I stopped the uncontrollable rocking.

I was like any new mother, enchanted with my children. My camera flashed dozens of times a day to capture their brilliance. As I look back through the pictures, I'm struck by the lack of smiles, by the blankness.

We created programs with the therapists to help the children learn how to smile. We began working on it earnestly. Our children can smile appropriately, with only minimal encouragement.

I trashed the homemade baby food idea quickly, it took so much time and I think my attempts sucked. Bugabuga made the most comical expressions when trying the food. She was a trooper but Mommy was a bit out of her league.

Motherhood is nothing and everything I expected. I thought the most difficult times would be when the baby had a fever or was vomiting. I never imagined that I would be massaging my daughter's throat to teach her how to swallow. But the love...

It's so much more than I have ever hoped for. Holding hands and skipping up the block, laughing because I'm messing up the words to beloved songs. Hugs and kisses that always come at the perfect time...

It's my beautiful version of motherhood.