Rose-colored glasses

I don't usually write about things as they happen.  It takes me some time to water it down, remove the deep emotions-analyze the situation, find another way to make it work for next time, ignore the rough moments. I need some time to put on my rose colored glasses.

We went to the Central Park Zoo today.

I've been on vacation all week and have taken the family to a variety of places so that we can make memories with each other.

I have broken their routine.

"Okay guys, let's take the train.  Who's ready?"

"Choo Choo train?" Handsome asks.
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Come on, Mom.  Come on!  We go to the zoo and animals and the train.  We're going to have a great time.  I see animals and fishes.  Fishes,  ooooohhhh, I'm gonna have fun, Mom."  Bugabuga's mono tonal monologue begins.

We being walking down the block and the CEO jerks her hand away from me and takes off running.  My heart is my mouth.  I reach to grab her.  Oh God, please don't run into the street.  Please.  She's just out of reach; she moves so quickly.  She has no limitations physically but Bugabuga is holding my other hand and she cannot run.  She won't let go because she's listening to my request to hold hands.  I tear my hand away while lifting my leg to steady her  and extend my body to grab the CEO.  She's still moving and I take off.  I grab her hand.

"I don't like you Mommy."

"I know, but I love you anyway. Don't let go of my hand again."  Oh please, don't let this be a sign.  Please, let me have a good day with them.  I need this to be a good day-too many memories are chasing me today.  It has to be a good day.

We're on the train and the kids are in high spirits.  The CEO and Baby are hugging and laughing.  The CEO randomly starts crying.  The intensity is startling and people on the train are doing the polite look out of the corner of their eyes.

"You're okay.  You're okay.  Let's play a game.  I spy, with my eyes..."

"I don't like you MOMMY.  I want DADDY!  DADDY!  DADDY!"

"I know, but I love you anyway. Go sit with your father.  Switch out."  We always have two kids per parent.  That parent is responsible for them only.  We adjust our seating to work with the new responsibilities.  She smiles and cuddles against her dad.  The joy in her face is difficult for me to see.  She doesn't have a filter and I know that I'm inciting rage in her today.  My heart hurts and I want to cry but instead I smile and sing a song with Baby and Bugabuga.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!  I need mommy! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!"  A struggle breaks out on my husband's side of the train.  Handsome is refusing to stay in his seat.  I make eye contact with my husband, "You okay?"

"I've got it.  Sit down, Handsome!"

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

"You want Mommy, fine!  Switch out!"

The ride continues in the same vain for the duration of the ride.  I'm tired before we even enter the Zoo.  Please let it be a good day.

We step off the train holding hands and the CEO jerks away this time from my husband. Oh, fuck no.  We jump instantaneously my hands filled and I grip one hand while holding Bugabuga's hand at the same time while my husband grabs the other hand.  We stand huddled together.  Our breathing shallow and terrified.  We regain our composure and walk away.  The CEO is having a rough day today.  She'll be better once we get to the zoo.

We walk the three blocks and the kids are laughing and looking forward to the animals.  We walk in and they are so excited!  They are smiling and dancing.  Running from exhibit to exhibit, taking pictures and squealing in delight.  Bugabuga almost stepped on a worm and we all squatted down to watch the worm hurry away.

"Sorry worm.  Oops!  Sorry worm."

Their expressions were filled with curiosity.  It was relaxing.  We all started laughing and enjoying the day.  It will be a good day.

We visited a 4D movie featuring Dora and Diego.  Bubbles, snow and water were involved.  It was so much fun and they, of course, saved the rain forest.

We sat for lunch.  The kids could barely focus enough to eat.  We struggled to get them to eat.  It's always a struggle.  I felt so sad.  They were talking to each other but not following our lead.  They needed to eat.  I looked away and I wiped at my eyes.  I cannot cry in public.  I will not cry.  My eyes locked with a man sitting across the way and I saw the compassion.  I swallowed and wiped a lone tear and refocused my efforts.  They ate lunch.  The day was really shaping up to be stellar.

We feed the animals in the Children's Zoo.  Bugabuga was so upset that we could not feed the ducks.  "They hungry too!"

We cajoled and distracted.  We made it out of the park after only another meltdown from the CEO.  We walked around to different stores and left each store as the hyperactivity impeded our progress.  The kids were smiling and laughing.  It's a good day.

The CEO was showing fatigue.  It was time to go.  We couldn't find a cab willing to take us home.  Finally, a kind cab driver took us in even though the CEO was screaming and crying.  She cried for at least 20 minutes of the 40 minute ride.  My nerves were frayed.  I called my parents.



My family was standing outside ready to grab a kid as I passed them out of the car.  They had them calm  by the time I finished paying the driver.

My mother feed us dinner and I watched them equalize.  My shoulders relaxed and I saw how they happily explained their day.  They had a fantastic day.

I could write this in a few weeks with my rose-colored glasses on but I won't because ultimately it was a great day.

An encounter on the train

"You're so inspiring to me. I know what you have to deal with and I see you come in smiling every morning with a positive attitude. That's what gets me up in the morning, if you can do it, so can I."

I'm humbled. I don't think I'm anything special. I'm blessed with my life-with my family. I see people dealing with some serious issues every day-illness, depression, unemployment. I may not know these people but you can see the signs of struggle in some one's resting expression.

I will never forget seeing a woman on the train that had huge circles under her eyes, she was falling asleep on her feet. She was startled awake when she started to lose her grip on the railing and I saw a glimpse of agony in those eyes. Not agony of physical pain, but agony of the mind and heart. An older woman reached out and said, "Whatever it is, it will resolve itself. Trust in God."

In true NY fashion, the woman jerked away and turned her back. Her mask was firmly back in place but regardless, the other woman and I saw it. I said a little pray for her and I think of her often. I wonder if she is happier now and I wonder if anyone on the train ever sees that bleakness in my eyes, catches me in the moment when I doze on the train and have to fully wake up. It takes me a minute before I feel my mask slip back on and I constantly wonder what I look like before it settles in because I have noticed several people do double-takes when they make eye contact in that moment.

My positive attitude is part of my mask, I need it just as much as I need people to believe it. It is a rare day that I cannot ignore the difficulties that I deal with daily.

"Mommy, NOOOOOO! I do it myself!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, please, please. I do it myself!"

It's the begging that shatters me. I watch the transitions rock Bugabuga's world and I try to help her through it but there are days that I'm not enough, my husband's not enough-even Angry Birds can't bring her out of it.

"PLEASE, MOMMY! DADDY, PLEASE! AHAHAHAH! Please, please. I do it myself."

It's not that we don't want her to be independent, we do but some days, we have no idea what she is talking about. We have no idea what set her off so we don't know how to make it better.

It's those days that I cry in the shower and walk in to work with my head down. I know the strangers on the train feel the anguish in me and I wonder if some realize that I am trying to block out the memory of screams by blaring my IPOD at the highest volume. It's not that I want to be inconsiderate-I even bought headphones that angle the sounds into my ear rather than have the sound bleed out-but I cannot deal with that absolute heart-breaking screams that randomly pop into my mind.

"Don't touch me!" I'm jarred out of my deep thoughts and fears about Bugabuga by a random woman looking at me with hatred. In all of the years of travelling on the NYC subway system, I have never had an issue with another passenger.

"What?"

"Touch me again and I'll hit you."

"What are talking about? The train is crowded, I'm not trying to touch you."

The train jerks forward and the woman's flowing garb touches my bag. The sounds of Bugabuga's screams are still in my mind and I'm so angry that I couldn't figure out where we went wrong. There had to be a reason, but what if there wasn't one, what if she's regressing?

I'm shoved against another person, I turn to apologize to the random stranger and then turn back around to the woman that hates me and it's my turn to release my venom.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you? Touch me again, and I'll take you down."

"You are the devil."

I look in disbelief as she raises her hand to strike me across the face and I decide in that instant to let her see my soul. I look into her eyes with every raging emotion that I have that I need to put into a box before I step out of my bed. I know that there is a frighteningly blank look in my eyes sometimes and I feel it. I see the absolute terror in her eyes as I grab her hand and twist it so hard that she doubled over in pain.

I let go and she moves quickly away from me.

Every day I use the gentlest voice, the softest touch, the most cajoling words I can to have a harmonious house- to avoid the rough transitions that can quickly overwhelm the joy that we have at just existing. There are days that I will get punched in the face, kicked in the ankles, scratched and I just give a hug in return. I pray in every breath for strength and I'm so calm because I'm constantly talking to God.

But on the train, with a stranger, I will not be pushed. I'm not an inspiration. I'm just another person dealing with life. Most days are good and some days I'm the devil.