I know you have a little life in you left, I know you have a lot of strength left...

I know you have a little life in you left, I know you have a lot of strength left...

I should be crying but I just can't let it show...

Make it go away....

-Kate Bush

I'd like to say that I handled the kids diagnosis well but that would be a lie. I wanted to die. Every single minute of every single day for about 6 months. I never said a word to anyone but my husband. I smiled and acted like we were okay. I was amazing at incorporating their goals into our life. I was playing the role of the perfect mother. I lived in fear of a social worker catching wind that I was devastated and would question whether I was capable of caring for four Autistics. The only reason I woke up in the morning was to care for them. They didn't ask to be born, I wanted them. I wanted them so badly that I paid over $100 a day on fertility appointments and drugs for years. I wanted a baby, NO MATTER WHAT. And here I was facing NO MATTER WHAT and I wanted to die.

At one point, I truly thought that I could win an Academy Award. The Early Intervention team constantly congratulated me on my positive attitude and I smiled and shook hands. I remember a friend that happens to have an Autistic son told me, "No matter what, always take a shower. If you look like shit, CPS will come in. Just because you're a high risk family, don't let people bully you. You know what's best for your family, only you and your husband."

I showered religiously.

I went through the motions. I became a shell, not even of myself but a shell of a human. There was nothing left to me and there is no flowery way to say it-that is some scary shit. The only things that kept me grounded were my children. I could feel their hunger in my body a minute before they cried. I knew when their tummies hurt and I could feel their teeth ache. I was that connected to them.

I remember giving birth to the girls and feeling as each soul separated from mine and I remember that moment of peace when I felt my blood hemorrhaging out of my body before I passed out. I remember my desire to hold my children...

I stood in front of the children, staring at them. It was a Friday night/Saturday morning and my husband had been at work almost 24 hours at this point. I no longer slept so it wasn't unusual that I was awake at 4:30. He was everything I wanted. They were everything I wanted. What the Fuck was wrong with me? They are my NO MATTER WHAT.

I picked up Baby and started talking.

"I want to be happy. I want you to be proud that I'm your mother. I want to work and have a career and I want to find myself again. I miss me and I think you would really like the real me. I don't think I'm doing that great of a job but I'm doing my best. I promise, I'll never leave you willingly. You're my everything. Okay?

I stared into her little eyes and giggled when she burped. A second later, she projectile vomited all over my face and hair. I began to belly laugh. Nothing like a little vomit to put things in perspective.

My first heart-to-heart with my daughter was a turning point for me. I cleaned us up and was able to fall asleep.

I'd like to say that I'm back to myself but I'm not, I'm a totally different person. I'm much more serious, I feel a hardness in my soul. I struggled alone because many people couldn't bare to feel uncomfortable and extend themselves to us.

I found new friends. I became who I wanted to be. I lost all pretenses. I will help a stranger understand this disease and know that they aren't alone. They are normal. I will hold my hand out and help them stand when they want to curl into a ball because I know.

I see everything in my life as beautiful and filled with silver linings because I know how stark things can look. I KNOW. I understand and I'll hold your hand...

The Freedom of Happiness

A diagnosis can be isolating. Friends don't know what to say and you don't want to go into a social situation that can turn awkward. Socialization doesn't happen.

I had a couple of friends that used to call. "How are you?" "Oh God. It's so hard." An awkward silence would follow and the calls got shorter and shorter. No one wants to be THAT person, the one that walks away from a terrible situation and pretends they didn't see the train wreck. A person that hears a story of a fatal car crash on the news and knows that they drove right pass it. In their heart, they wonder if stopping would have helped but they will never know. The only person that knows for a certainty that stopping would have helped is the survivor standing alone with the battle scars.

There were a couple of years that I extended myself. I felt such anger for the friends that disappeared. I listened for hours about them making decisions about their life. "Should I marry her?" "Should I change careers?" "I'm thinking about moving." I listened and opined and then I wanted to ask, "How could this happen? Why did this happen?" There were no answers, I didn't expect any but I needed to say these things to clear my mind. Every one was gone. Off to live their lives and avert their eyes to the train wreck that used to be a friend once upon a time.

We weren't invited to events anymore but we would see the pictures from them. A tweet from a former best friend referring to an awesome time in the city with all her NYC friends. I was so hurt and I felt myself begin to harden. A bacholerette party, a wedding, a birthday, a dinner-I never made the cut.

I was looking in the mirror one day and noticed there was a flatness to my expression. My eyes were old and my usual smirk was replaced with a hard line. It was the face of someone who had forgotten how to laugh, how to enjoy their life. I thought about it long and hard for days, my children's expressions were flat, was I turning into them or was I flat and they were just mimicking me? I made a decision to start living again, without the people that forgot me. I decided that day that if a person had never taken the time to meet our kids our friendship was over. There were no excuses.

None.

I've heard reports that people can change radically after a traumatic experience and I always felt pity for those people but it was the wrong way to look at it. Those people are survivors, they have walked through hell and come back weathered. They will grab a stranger's hand if only to try to stop someone else from being surrounded by complete darkness and silence.

Freedom and joy are constant when the goal is to just live to be happy. There will always be stresses and issues but the big picture is sometimes the most clear. If I continued to be bogged down by some day to day realities, my life would have continued sadly. Yes, one of our daughters bites and hits herself. Yes, one of our daughters rocks continuously on her tail bone. Yes, one of our daughters quietly retreats. Yes, our son has delays. BUT, they can laugh, they love. They have a good life and so do I.