Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Baby C, lovingly called Baby, is a blessing. I think that she will be the kid that tells therapists that she was never her mom's favorite but if she only knew how special she is too me.
When the girls were born, Baby had swallowed fluid. Bugabuga was having a tough time in general and the CEO was doing fantastic. The doctors decided to put them in the critical care nursery together so that they didn't have to go to different floors and nurseries. It's an odd experience having triplets. You hold each one and feel a bond but there is just something about their personalities that shines through that first hug. Bugabuga was struggling and the doctors kept her away in the nursery to stabilize her. The CEO was so strong and looked up at me. She was the image of my husband. And then there was Baby, I reached to hold her for the first time and her whole body turned to me. She sighed. I felt my heart expand and I felt like a mother for the first time. Something about the way she leaned in like we were sharing secrets already, made me so excited for the days to come. My husband was holding the CEO and I was examining Baby's hands and toes. Memorizing every part of her. She was my BABY!
I was able to meet Bugabuga 6 hours later. We were alone and she cried! I remember thinking that she looked like someone but I couldn't put my finger on it. Turns out, it was me! The nurses brought the other babies in and was so excited to hold them all. As I was holding them, Baby turned cold and I didn't understand what was going on. I put another blanket on her. I put her under my hospital gown to give her my warmth. She felt colder and colder. I called in the nurse and she took her temperature. The nurse looked concerned but gave me a smile and said, "I'll just take her out for a bit to warm her up." I didn't see Baby for another day and a half. She was connected to machines, she needed help to stay warm and oxygen.
I asked my husband constantly to check on her. I was bonding with the other girls but a huge chunk of my heart was in Critical Care with Baby. I was so afraid to go see her. The pregnancy was harrowing, I honestly wasn't sure that I was strong enough to make it with a sick baby. I waited until my husband had left for the night, the other mommas were sleeping. Only a few nurses were walking around. If I cried, I wanted to be alone. The only sound as I walked across the hall was the smack of my slippers against the floor. I was buzzed into a room with frosted glass. I see two of the girls sleeping and I search for Baby. My heart is pounding so hard that I can't hear the nurse speaking. "I'm Baby's mother." She takes me by the arm and walks with me behind a screen. Another nurse is sitting next to a baby in an incubator. That poor thing was so sick, there were tubes taped on to her face. She was flat on her back, arms spread wide as if waiting for a hug. Her left thigh was visible, every other part of her was covered. I look to the left at another baby sleeping peacefully but looked so weak. I began to walk to that baby and the nurse guided me to the baby with the machines. She was speaking and telling me so many things. I constantly said, "What?" I was riveted to that little face. I put my hand in through the hole on the side and touched her thigh. "Hey Baby Girl! It's Mommy. You need to get stronger right now, okay? I need you to be okay. Do you hear me little girl? I have beautiful clothes ready for you, these tubes aren't your style. Okay, Baby? You're so beautiful. My baby girl." I touched her head and her head snuggled into my hand. I sat down and cried and watched her heart beat increase. I saw her oxygen levels stabilize. I saw her hands and legs begin to move, as if to say, "Pick me up!" Several hours later, the nurses let me hold her and feed her. I was so proud to hold my little fighter, my baby.
So she may think that she's just the baby and the others may get attention more often but I know that she's wrong. At night when I kiss them all on the forehead before I go to sleep, she's the one that gets an extra blanket tuck. The baby I always save a little spot for in case she ever wants to sit next to me. My little baby...